Money for Nothing and Your Brain for Free

I am a firm believer in the mantra: if you want something you have to go out and get it. As bad as it sounds, what I want right now is money. Which is why this morning I found myself scanning the pages of Craigslist.

I already have a job I love and with school starting in the fall I am hardly going to have time to breathe, let alone do anything else part time. Nevertheless, I am confident that there is free money just waiting to be had-I just have to look in the right places.

I keep scrolling. Where are all the envelopes that need licking or stuffing or mailing? Didn't people use to post that crap all the time? I would totally subject my tongue to envelope glue-- some of it even tastes good. Hmph, nothing. Apparently everyone has caught on to how yummy the glue tastes--they want it all to themselves! Haven't they watched Seinfeld? Don't they know that in mass quantities envelope glue can be lethal? They need to share the love and pay me to lick their envelopes.

I give up on the promised land of envelopes-- time is money and I am on a mission. Before I know it I have the golden ticket. Under the gigs section I page through the domestic sub category postings. Nanny, housekeeper, professional domesticator, research participants, personal chef. Wait. Research participants? I can participate. I work well alone and with a team... thats what your supposed to say, right?

I read on:

"The Human Memory and Neuroimaging Lab in the Department of Psychological and Brain Sciences at UCSB is seeking research participants for blah, blah, blah.... Who cares.... Participants will  receive an image of their brain and will be compensated with $80."

Screw the $80 bucks you had me at image of my brain. Cool? Nah... SUPER FREAKING COOL!!!

Let's see, what do I need to do? Here we go, requirements. Age, check. Fluency, check. Foreign Metals, nope, check. Preggers, definitely not, check. Claustrophobic. ha. Welp, 4 out of 5 ain't bad. I quickly copy and paste the contact information and draft an email to let the Department of Psychological and Brain Sciences know that I would be more than happy for them to scan my brain. (For a second I am slightly concerned results may be skewed if everyone in the study is like me--they are fascinated by the fact that they will get an actual image of their brain. Eh. I shrug my shoulders--Not my problem.) More important than the integrity of the study? I wonder if I can color it in (my brain, I mean), because OBVIOUSLY that would be way cool.

I sigh and give myself a pat on the shoulder. Good job, Jildo. Ain't no mountain too high. See? There really is free money. All I have to do is lay down and UCSB will give me $80... Hey now! Its ok... its for science.

Over and out. Jildo

P.S. I have to buy toilet paper today. I can't go cheap on the toilet paper, I just can't... maybe more than one brain scan is in my future.