Love Letter From My Bank

I am so COMPLETELY stoked. Yes, stoked. Last night Wells Fargo wrote me the most beautiful love letter (possibly the only love letter) I have ever received. I am not going to lie, this whole budgeting/saving/being broke crap has gotten me a little down... but apparently, being hard on yourself works.

Want to know what made this love letter HA-mazing? Ok, so it was really a budget reminder letting me know that I had reached 75% of my monthly spending. What is so awesome about that you ask? I got it yesterday!!!... on June 29th, not the 7th or the 14th, but the 29th!!!! HAHAHAHAHA.

FUCK YOU happy internet shopping trigger fingers. FUCK YOU coffee shop caffeine craving tastebuds. I HAVE CONQUERED YOUR ASSES!!! (at least for today).

Sigh, awesome, awesome day.

Peace out- Jildo.

P.S. Since I was over budget last week I cut my budget to $39ish dollars this week... still haven't spent any. BOO FUCKING YA.

**I apologize if the cursing offends you, I'm just really FUCKING excited.

The Bad Money Nun

I feel defeated. How many weeks has it been since I dedicated my life to saving? Right, two. I feel like a money nun... or I guess I should say a BAD money nun.  I'm supposed to be abstaining from spending money-- or at least sticking to my $100 a week budget and I just can't seem to do it. I was doing ok until Saturday. I was $0.68 over my budget for the week, but then I stopped for coffee and then I decided to drive 260 miles for funsies. I obviously make BAD decisions when I drink caffeine, or heck anything for that matter.

Now where am I? Right back where I started 24 hours ago, with the added bonus of being $60.81 over my budget for the week (refueling)... and those brain scan people still haven't called me back. So what do you think? Should I try to cut next weeks budget to $39.19 to make up for this weeks craziness? I mean in theory it shouldn't be that hard to keep myself from driving out of Santa Barbara every week, right? Aside from the June gloom and bogus rent prices why would anyone ever want to leave?

Not having money sucks. When you have money you think of it as a means to have fun. But when you don't have money, you realize that not only can you not have fun-- you can't have NOT fun, either. You can't have anything!  Ok, so for instance--- sometimes when I get off work I just want to be a bum, cozy up in my pajamas and watch a movie. I used to browse new releases or genius picks on itunes... now?! Now I am forced to peruse the FREE movies on hulu that I am sure almost all definitely suck and will turn your brain to mush.

Also, my boyfriend now thinks that I am weird for sharing my financial situation with the world. Oh well, if he didn't know by now its his own fault.

Mrrrrr. Jildo.

My Emergency Kit

To make more money I volunteered to go into work on my day off. Our HR department scheduled two Emergency and Disaster Preparedness meetings for this week to make sure all employees know what to do if shit goes down (fire, earthquake, tsunami). It didn't matter which one you went to, you just had to go. I could have gone on Tuesday during my regular shift, but I opted to man the Front Desk while my co-workers went. It was a win-win situation--they didn't have to come in on their days off and I would get overtime.

Let me say one thing. Extra money sounds so appealing until you actually have to show up to make it.  But yes, I did make it into work and sat through an hour and a half of emergency training.  However, I'm not sure if my plan to bring in extra money by attending training on my day off really worked. Yes, I am momentarily richer-- I added a whopping $30ish dollars to my paycheck-- but now I am scared shitless, because I am NOT prepared. And, what do I need to do, to BE prepared?! Yup- spend money.

The Perfect Emergency Kit:
*Water (1 gallon per person/day)
*Non perishable foods
*Utensils
*Nonelectric Can Opener
*First Aid Kit
*Battery Powered Radio
*Flashlights
*Extra Batteries
*Tool Kit
*Duct Tape
*Heavy Plastic Sheeting
*Cleaning Supplies
*Plastic Bags
*Bleach
*Toilet Paper
*Whistle

Jildo's Emergency Kit:
*Toilet Paper

Next emergency, my ass is covered. Hopefully God holds off on any super fun disasters until I can assemble a proper emergency kit to cover my whole person.

Hanging On By a Thread Sheet, Jildo.

P.S. See below for this weeks spending:

Monday 6/20: $26.86 (food)
Thursday 6/23: $59.77 (gas); $14.05 (toilet paper)

Ok, so I'm $0.68 over budget for this week. Take it out of my Emergency Kit fund.
               

Money for Nothing and Your Brain for Free

I am a firm believer in the mantra: if you want something you have to go out and get it. As bad as it sounds, what I want right now is money. Which is why this morning I found myself scanning the pages of Craigslist.

I already have a job I love and with school starting in the fall I am hardly going to have time to breathe, let alone do anything else part time. Nevertheless, I am confident that there is free money just waiting to be had-I just have to look in the right places.

I keep scrolling. Where are all the envelopes that need licking or stuffing or mailing? Didn't people use to post that crap all the time? I would totally subject my tongue to envelope glue-- some of it even tastes good. Hmph, nothing. Apparently everyone has caught on to how yummy the glue tastes--they want it all to themselves! Haven't they watched Seinfeld? Don't they know that in mass quantities envelope glue can be lethal? They need to share the love and pay me to lick their envelopes.

I give up on the promised land of envelopes-- time is money and I am on a mission. Before I know it I have the golden ticket. Under the gigs section I page through the domestic sub category postings. Nanny, housekeeper, professional domesticator, research participants, personal chef. Wait. Research participants? I can participate. I work well alone and with a team... thats what your supposed to say, right?

I read on:

"The Human Memory and Neuroimaging Lab in the Department of Psychological and Brain Sciences at UCSB is seeking research participants for blah, blah, blah.... Who cares.... Participants will  receive an image of their brain and will be compensated with $80."

Screw the $80 bucks you had me at image of my brain. Cool? Nah... SUPER FREAKING COOL!!!

Let's see, what do I need to do? Here we go, requirements. Age, check. Fluency, check. Foreign Metals, nope, check. Preggers, definitely not, check. Claustrophobic. ha. Welp, 4 out of 5 ain't bad. I quickly copy and paste the contact information and draft an email to let the Department of Psychological and Brain Sciences know that I would be more than happy for them to scan my brain. (For a second I am slightly concerned results may be skewed if everyone in the study is like me--they are fascinated by the fact that they will get an actual image of their brain. Eh. I shrug my shoulders--Not my problem.) More important than the integrity of the study? I wonder if I can color it in (my brain, I mean), because OBVIOUSLY that would be way cool.

I sigh and give myself a pat on the shoulder. Good job, Jildo. Ain't no mountain too high. See? There really is free money. All I have to do is lay down and UCSB will give me $80... Hey now! Its ok... its for science.

Over and out. Jildo

P.S. I have to buy toilet paper today. I can't go cheap on the toilet paper, I just can't... maybe more than one brain scan is in my future.

Rich Dad, Poor Daughter

As today is Father's Day I thought it only appropriate to dedicate today's blog entry to my father... a tribute to the success of the rich, presented by the poor, if you will. 

 (Rich Dad)

To My Father: Today is the day, that I want you to realize you have had a positive impact on my life. As a man that has worked in accounting and finance your whole life, you might feel a little defeated-- I mean, your daughter is broke. But, hey, that is okay. YOU did not fail and I am here to prove it. So, without further ado, so that you can sleep at night (at least for my first year in Business school), I present my father's day gift to you: My Budget!!

Super exciting I know. You really don't need to analyze it, it's not super fun. Basically what my budget says in a nutshell is this:

Dear Jillian,

Since you refuse to take out an exorbitant amount of loans and insist on paying off the interest on your unsubsidized loans as it accrues you cannot spend any money. Don't laugh, I'm not kidding. After rent, tuition, interest paid to loans and money pulled aside for savings you have $450 a month to spend on everything else. But, then after you factor out $35 a month for your gym and $15 a month for parking for B School you are down to $100 a week. Cancel your credit card or bury it in the backyard. You get two paychecks each month. Since rent is due on the first you have to save your paycheck from the 22nd for rent. When the 7th comes around it is not a free for all. You must go directly to Wells Fargo, you cannot pass go, you cannot collect $200. Do you understand?

Your New Best Friend,

Budget

***

You may have noticed that I haven't blogged the past couple of days. I think being broke is getting to me. Honestly. Somehow it feels like if I just got away, all of my money problems would go *POOF* Therefore, I think it is only natural that I have been seriously considering selling all of my belongings and moving to Uzbekistan to buy a herd of cows. Yes, I know. Genius. I would milk them for a living. It would be great- the simplicity- not the milking. Unfortunately, my plans have been thwarted... mostly because I don't even know if they have cows in Uzbekistan, I don't speak Uzbekistanese and I'm not even sure if I'm spelling Uzbekistan correctly. 

 Yah the broke is bringing out the crazy in me.

***

Thanks for all the advice everyone... I really appreciate it. I think it's working... although try as I may I still feel like I have to go to the grocery store every few days... apparently I go through meat like I used to go through money.

Yours, Poor Daughter Jildo

Jildo Goes to College

So, there's one small, eensie, weensie detail I forgot to mention when I disclosed how broke I am. Aside from only having $748.49 in my savings account, I am also starting business school in the fall. Yah, I know... I told you already that I'm a dumbass. I thought to myself Jillian, you are a smart, bright, resourceful woman, building back your savings account will be a piece of cake... why don't you make it a little interesting? Really challenge yourself.

New challenge: recover savings while paying approximately $40K in tuition a year. HA-WESOME. God, you are so happy you are not me right now.

The reason I mention all of this now is because yesterday I drove to La La Land (Los Angeles- for all you non-ca readers) to meet with my adviser.  Until you meet with your adviser you can kind of pretend that its not really happening. I mean you tell people you are going to business school and you feel really proud of yourself, but it doesn't quite sink in (the major debt, time commitment and lack of social life) until you meet with your adviser. So, it shouldn't have been a surprise when I met with my adviser, that shit got real. Yup, I kid you not, I'm sitting in my adviser's office, he starts going over tuition and this huge mastiff just comes in and takes a dump on the seat next to me. Weird, huh?

They tell you once you have been admitted to business school to analyze your financial situation. See where you can save money to minimize the amount of loans you have to take out. Now, I realize that I am currently broke, and thus, a dumbass. But, I am not stupid (is there a difference? I think so). Business school is not an escape from my problems. I can't just take out $79K in loans. That would be moronic-- I have to pay this shit back and I'm not about to wreck my credit.

I sat down yesterday to really assess the situation. Tuition is $79K total. I don't have money saved to pay for school, but I will be working full time, so at least I will be able to pay for my living expenses.  What does that bring tuition down to? Hmph- still at $79K huh? Time to get creative. Ok, $79K-- Pepperdine has offered me a $9K scholarship for the first year, for being a smarty pants (if they only knew the truth). New total $70K. Alright, now we are getting somewhere.

After staring at the numbers for an hour, I come to the conclusion that there is no way around it. I have to take out loans. First, I apply for the subsidized loans, because I know that interest is where they get you. The government offers me $2,833 a trimester. My first trimester is the most expensive at $12,654. So less the $3K they will disburse for my scholarship and the $2,833 in subsidized loans I'm looking at paying just under $7K out of pocket.

*Pause*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Yah. Not going to happen... even if they do let me pay in installments. Ok, so next I apply for the unsubsidized government loans. These are the awesome loans that start accruing interest the moment they are disbursed... tricky little bastards! They are willing to give me $4K a trimester. My new out of pocket balance is $2,820.67. Still sucks, but I should be able to manage, if I don't eat or ever go out-- and definitely no more alcohol. MRRR.

I stare at my computer screen. Pepperdine has also offered me the Grad PLUS loan. This is the dirtiest of all the loans-- sure they offer me a whopping $8K a trimester, but it has a fixed interest rate of 7.9% and like its cousin the unsubsidized loan, the PLUS loan starts accruing interest right away. The more I look at my screen the more it keeps grinning at me... "you know you want me, you wouldn't have to sacrifice any of the luxuries you have become so used to." But, the more it keeps grinning at me and trying to seduce me the more pissed I get. The Grad PLUS loan is a f***ing liar. You take out the Grad PLUS loan and you'll end up paying back so much more in loans that its not even funny.

When accepting or declining your financial aid you just click a little box. It seems so anti-climactic. Ok, so for the financial aid I accepted, I was fine with the click and done. But something about the Grad PLUS loan made me want to have a physical box that I could totally womp on and KILL to decline the oh, so "generous" offer. I settled for the click-- but I clicked with authority. DENY!

Jildo, over and out.

P.S. More strategies for paying off school to come. I have something a little crazy and drastic up my sleeve (no I'm not going to whore myself out. geez.), but I have to think about it a little more.

**Also, in case you were wondering, I didn't spend any money today... haha. As if its really going to help now. I also drove all the way to LA and back with no air conditioning... because I heard that air conditioning uses up more gas?

Try to Take Your Appetite to Work Day

The third "F" word that completes my trifecta of addictions is FOOD. YUM.  I am not saying that I am a fat ass, I just believe in the importance of eating quality food. Unfortunately, quality food comes with a price tag that my current economic state forces me to forgo. So, for the first time in 10 months, I did not brown bag it to work.

I know, I know... I should be sooo grateful that I work for a company that provides "free" lunch (not technically free, because they make me pay taxes on it whether I eat it or not, but whatever). Here's why I'm nonplussed: even on it's best day, cafeteria food has inevitably been ravaged by not one, but TEN of your co-workers. They stand over the food breathing their hot breaths on it or inadvertently "gleeking" into the salad bar. I mean doesn't that worry you just a bit? Dogs lick their balls and asses and still have cleaner mouths that humans. Yes, really. Do you want to puke now? Because I do.

Maybe you think I'm being a tad dramatic, afterall people are very conscientious and constantly thinking of others and not themselves in the lunch line. They cover their mouths when they have to cough and then immediately lather up with antibacterial soap, lotion, etc. Or if they don't, its only because they don't need to. Yes, your co-workers have accomplished the unimaginable. They are no longer capable of spreading germs.  Your co-workers do not breathe.

*Pause*

No, I'm just being silly. Of course your co-workers breathe and unfortunately, so do mine-- I'm not being a dick. You know what I mean.  So, anyways, as you can tell, if I can at all avoid a trip to the lunch line, I do.  But I couldn't today and won't be able to tomorrow or probably for 1000 days after that (because I can't afford not to). FUCK. Well at least if I die from some coughing germ disease I won't have to worry about my savings account anymore. 

Until manana, Jildo.

AFTER THOUGHT: Day 4 of making financially responsible decisions draws to a close. I did not spend any money today... perhaps I can treat myself to non-cafeteria food for being so financially responsible.

*insert inquisitive, hopeful eyes here*

Really? Really?! FUCK. Ok. Cafeteria food it is tomorrow. But if I get a germy germy disease and pass out and die it is all YOUR fault.

The "F" Word

Growing up my mother was dedicated to instilling my sister and I with advice- most of it came from daily excerpts from Dear Abby and Ann Landers- but I swear the rest of it was very useful. One comment in particular has stuck with me for years.

"Jillian", my mom said, "Addictive personalities run in our family." I was probably about ten at the time and wasn't quite sure what she was getting at. I didn't do drugs, I certainly didn't drink-- sure I liked to sneak pieces of candy at night, but what kid didn't? What the heck was she getting at?!

Fifteen years later I think I have finally figured it out. She was completely right. Addictive personalities run in our family. I like to call mine the "F" Trifecta. The first is fitness (which I touched on lightly in my first post). But today I want to focus on the second "F" word.

FASHION... FUCK.

My second addiction after fitness is fashion. And I think every girl out there (or almost every girl) can relate. I don't know why, I can't explain it... but I have a need to accessorize. If you think about it, it is completely absurd. Humans are the only, and I mean the ONLY species where women are more fashionable than men. There has to be something wrong here.

Yes, we are the species that rules the world. But, there has to be good reason why drakes are more attractive then hens... a good reason why we have the term peacocking... a good reason why lions are WAY sexier than lionesses. I mean come on check out those manes!  Do you know what that reason is? The male species has to be way more attractive to convince the females to have their babies... females are the key to survival and the males know it--At least in the animal kingdom.

Unfortunately, somewhere along the line, when the human brain evolved way beyond any other mammal, we got fucked up. Women today do anything and everything to draw attention to themselves. I AM GUILTY. It probably sounds like this bothers me quite a bit, and that I am a feminist bitch. I assure you, I am not. Really. I wouldn't care that I love fashion, except for the fact that it is ruining what used to be my super sexy savings account... now thanks to my addiction to fitness and fashion, my savings account looks like a half starved crack whore. I know, I have only myself to blame.

With that day 3 of my monetary rehabilitation draws to a close. One more painful self realization closer to my monetary redemption.

Put it On My Tab:
I spent $112.79 today, but all necessary evils--- $68.84 for gas (because try though I might I will never have Ann Trason's legs and will not be able to run the 15 miles to work every day there and back) and $43.95 for groceries (because I have to eat).

Your Parents Don't Have to Love You

First off, before I launch into day two of my monetary rehabilitation... I would just like to take a moment to thank the Dallas Mavericks for beating the Heat in the 2011 NBA Finals... in their own town. Karma is a bitch LeBron, Karma is a bitch.

 ***

Ok. Now I can get back to dollars and sense. Last night I wrote my first post on what is the Jildo "Jildough" blog. I posted a link to my facebook, so all of my friends could have access to really personal information about myself (life is short, why not?). Then, because I really do want to change my spending habits, I emailed my parents a link to my blog.

So, lets pause for a moment and think about this. My parents are pretty smart individuals, they save their money and invest wisely- my father is the CFO of an oil company in the Middle East and my mother has so much liquidity that she can afford to put 90% of her take home salary into her 401k to maximize her employers matching program. Can you see where this is going?

At 10:21pm on Saturday, June 11th, I sent the following email to my parents:

I started a blog. Its about how broke I am. Enjoy!

I figured the immediate reaction would be minor heart attacks from both parties, but they have good health insurance so I wasn't too worried. After they had time to think about it, I assumed they would be moderately disappointed and telepathically send me images of their best "we expected so much more from you" faces. At the very worst, I figured it's 10:21pm my time, so my mom (Central Time) will already be asleep and my Dad will be on a plane back to the Middle East-- I had at least 8-10 more hours of parental unconditional love until they read the email/blog. SCORE!

By the time I woke up this morning I had completely forgotten about the email. Then I logged onto gmail. Two new messages.

Email 1 from the Madre: "Sweetheart, try not to let the economy depress you.  I understand it, but you just have to do what you can to keep yourself above water.  Be mindful of you spending...pay off your credit card(s) every month.  Don't be obsessive, just careful."
NOTE: She hadn't read the blog yet at this point.

Email 2 from the Madre (sent 9 minutes after the initial email): WTF!!! %$#^&%&@%^$$*&^%%$!!!!

Yup, she read it.

***

After reading my mother's second email, I learned a very valuable lesson. You parents really don't have to love you. No seriously, I'm not kidding. You know when new parents are asked to fill out all of that paperwork at the hospital after you are born? There is actually a clause that says if your child grows up to be a dumbass or a drug addict you do not have to love them (unless they are dumbasses or drug addicts, too, because then its really not your fault--you don't know better).

With that realization, day two of my monetary rehabilitation comes to a close. I made it through another day without spending any money (despite an ongoing seduction by my dear, dear friend coffee) and actually increased my net worth by returning a way too fun nightie to Victoria Secret (being hot is so overrated- especially when you are sleeping. I mean really, what's the point?)

Over and out- Jildo.

P.S. I have still not received any response from my father in reference to the blog. So I'm pretty sure its official-- my parents hate me.

DISCLAIMER: Mom-- if you read this, I know you really do still love me.

$748.49

Just under two years ago I had $10K in my savings account. Today I have $748.49-- thus the birth of my very first blog. I am blogging to regain my monetary freedom.

My downfall started about 10 months ago. I signed up for a kick ass boot camp, that costed $300 for six weeks. The plan was to take the class to get my ass back in gear and then work out on my own. The only problem was after six weeks, I dropped ten pounds and was completely addicted. Who wouldn't be with a rockin' new bod?! So for the 9 months that followed, I shelled out $300 every six weeks. Because being healthy is worth the extra cash... right?

After about 6 months I realized I needed to make a change--my savings account had quickly become a second checking account. I decided to be a mature, responsible adult. I set up a budget plan online. I set monetary limits and alerts to tell me "HOLY SHIT WOMAN STOP SPENDING!" The first alert I got was about two weeks into the new budget. It was an email alert... so cordial, so nice:

"Dear friend, you have reached 75% of your monthly budget spending. Please proceed with caution."

I think I felt a little flutter of nervousness. But I still had 25% of my budget to get me through the month... and hey, pay day is on the 22nd... so technically in a week I would be back down to only 50% of my monthly budget. I was so on track. I decided to celebrate with a few drinks over the weekend. HUGE MISTAKE.

Monday morning, yawn, hop out of bed, check my email... spam, spam, spam, over budget email, spam. Wells Fargo had obviously made a mistake, I had 25% of my monthly budget left on Friday. Click.

"Dear ex-friend, in two days you managed to use up the remaining 25% of your monthly budget. This is just the first month of your new budget plan and you can't keep it together. How can we have a fruitful, loving relationship, if I can't trust you to not spend all of your money? We are no longer friends. Goodbye.

-Wells Fargo."

***

Fast forward 6 months. Wells (still invested in my financial well-being) continues to email me my mid month and over budget alerts, but we aren't really on speaking terms... as I am still wrecking monetary havoc on my wallet and thus, Well's heart. So, I decided this morning that I needed a new plan, a plan that would actually work. A blog. 

I am offering you a once in a lifetime opportunity. A look into the deep, dark life that is Jildo through my blog "Jildough"... the monetary rehabilitation of Jillian Heim. I will keep public records of my spending and what I am spending my money on, in the hopes that I will be shamed into not spending money on ridiculous shit. Please judge me on my spending habits. Advice is welcome to, although just really harsh judgment is what I prefer. 

DISCLAIMER: Sometimes I buy weird shit. You might want to reconsider reading my blog if you have sensitive eyes and hearts. 

xoxo- Jildo

P.S. It is 4:41pm, and I have not spent any money today... although, I did find $20 in my pocket.