D is for Defer: Part Dos.
Lets be for real. I'm not deferring. I mean technically I'm deferring, but I'm not going to go to Pepperdine. Why? Yes, the whole idea of it sounded beautiful on paper, but since I'm being honest, I'll just put it out there. I started applying for business school back in January after I was passed up for a promotion.
The message was clear: Jillian you are not good enough. "No? Ok then. What can I do to make myself a more marketable job applicant?" MBA. That was that. I can't be happy if I am not learning, progressing or facing new challenges. I HATE stagnancy. HATE IT. Capital H-H-H. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up in my mouth. So I started applying to schools.
I started thinking about my future. No, really thinking about my future. I want to buy a house. I can't buy a house now, but I sure as hell need to start planning for it now if its ever going to happen.
Maybe this sounds weird to you... but I'm not banking on having a man to provide for me. Heck, I don't want to have to depend on someone else to take care of me. I'm not a feminist. I'm just... I dunno, watching out for myself, I guess.
In the months leading up to the end of my relationship, I would no joke have serious emotional breakdowns about living in Santa Barbara and how expensive it is. This drove my boyfriend crazy beyond no end. He would tell me that I didn't need to freak out that he would pay for things for me. "I don't want you to f**king pay for me to live!!!" And, it wasn't really that- the cost of living in Santa Barbara is high, but I was freaking out because I knew if I stayed with him he would never want to move and I would never have a career... which would mean I would be dependent on him... FOREVER.
OK. Now I really did just throw up in my mouth.
I don't think me wanting to take care of myself is a bad thing at all. It doesn't mean I don't want to have someone special in my life-- thats not the case at all. I just know I would never be happy as a stay at home mom. It would literally crush my soul.
With not getting the promotion at work and sensing the impending doom of my relationship, applying to business school was the best thing for me at the time. Until I got accepted. I was accepted into Georgia Tech's MBA program-- my first choice. It seemed perfect. My grandfather went to Tech, I grew up hearing Ramblin Wreck and watching the Georgia vs. Georgia Tech game every Thanksgiving. My father had a second home outside of Atlanta where I would live rent free until I found my own place and the resort I work at now had a sister resort in Atlanta that offered me a job-- which meant I would be applicable for in-state tuition.
But, I kept holding off on my acceptance. For some reason I just couldn't say yes. I let months roll by. Adam asked me to apply to schools in CA for his sake. So, I did... and I got in... but my heart wasn't in it. After Adam and I broke up I knew I couldn't drop $80,000 on a school that I had applied to just because someone else didn't want me to go somewhere else... especially when Jildo is trying save money!
Another promotion came up at work. I applied again, and this time I got it. You have no idea how ecstatic I was. When I got home I couldn't stop jumping up and down. Maybe when you make one change to start living for yourself again everything else just starts to fall into place.
I'm gonna go with that, cause I'm pretty damn happy now. Broke, but happy.
xoxo. Jildo.
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