As you may or may not know I have relocated to the Peach State. Last Thursday after work, I threw the two suitcases full of clothes that I hadn't fedexed into my Jeep and set out for Calabasas. I rang my friend Ariela's doorbell at 9pm and waited. We were both bright eyed and bushy tailed that night and half way through the next day... and then we were in the middle of God knows where hangry as all hell and cursing the tipsy turvey windy dindy (yes, i know this isn't a word, but I'm in a rhyming mood) streets of Las Cruces, NM. Damn you, Las Cruces, DAMN YOU.
But, first things first. Friday morning our alarms went off at 6am, we rolled out of bed, changed out of our pjs into new pjs (obviously, I wasn't about to drive 13+ hours in jeans. ugh.) and hit up the S'bucks and the McDonalds (MickeyD's? MceeeD's? McD's? whatever.) Nonfat iced latte, three shots of espresso PUH-LEASE. And then we were on the road again, this time to Canyon Country to pick up my sister. SWOOP. We were officially on the road again by 9am. Hooty hooooo! Like I said before, at this point we thought each other were the coolest people ever. Ha.
Drive, drive, drive. Now we're in the desert. Wow, nothing there. Drive, drive, drive. FUCK how long have I been driving, can I feel my ass anymore? I lift one cheek and put it back down on my seat. Did I feel that? Can I feel anything? My right shoulder starts to feel sore and switch and put my left hand on the wheel. Whhaaapow. Yeaaaa nevermind. Both arms back on the wheel as the wind plays tetherball with us. What up wind? Hmmm? Then we stop for gas. One, two, three, four times. I calculate that it will cost approximately $600 in gas to drive from Santa Barbara, CA to Atlanta, GA (incidentally I was pretty damn close- $550- gotta love your car when it only gets 13mpg on the highway).
We finally make it to Las Cruces, NM where we are staying for the night. By this point I am EXTREMELY cranky. Yes, cranky. Was it my fault, because I drove all 13+ miles despite offers from my sister to take the wheel? Maybe, but I've seen her drive in LA and I wanted to actually make it to GA. Sorry, Dav, you know your driving makes me wanna pee my pants.
***
I want you to take a moment to think about this. No, really think bout what it would be like, crammed in a Jeep Wrangler with three peoples luggage for three days straight (loooonnnggggg days. I mean I'm going coo coo for coco puffs looooonnnnnggggg days). Yeaaaaa, not a pretty picture, especially when you add exorbitant amounts of coffee. By the time we got to Louisiana, I was starting to wonder if this was a bad idea. The ghost towns and gas stations plastered with stuffed gators on the walls did not help. I started to pick up the pace. Last day. Only 11 hours to Atlanta, you can do it Jillian, Meals on Wheels, no stopping, just get 'er done!
Then I saw him, sitting in the highway median, bored out of his mind. I checked my odometer, 80. I passed him. I looked back, he was still there. Maybe he was asleep? I looked back again, slowly the car started to wake up and roll out of the grass, then the lights went on. Beeeeeeuupppp, beeeewwwww. Or whatever, sirens sound like. FML. I process the information in my head. He's not going very fast, maybe he's not after me. I speed up, change lanes and attempt to hide in front of a huge F150. Did not work. I pull over.
I'm optimistic. You can always bargain. There's always bargaining. Yes, I can proudly say that I have been pulled over 1, 2, 3 times prior to this and was able to either get out of the charges completely or have them significantly reduced. I roll my window down, confident! But there is no time for bargaining, Bronston (yes, true story) commandeers my license and registration and disappears. When he returns to my window the ticket is in his hand and I'm signing my sentence and then he's gone. I assuage myself saying that my ticket will help Bronston get his Christmas bonus.... he better get that damn bonus!
And that dear friends is the story of how I got my first speeding ticket... from a man named Bronston in Louisiana... driving across the United States. Incidentally, I was also super stoked to get a speeding ticket since I am currently unemployed. AWEEEEEE-SOOOOMMME.
I know. I know. It's my fault.
Over and Out. Jildo
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