Santa Crack

Hi, my name is Jillian and I'm an addict. I am addicted to Santa. That's right, you heard me, I want me some of that Santa crack. Maybe you haven't heard of it before, but I'm positive that you and at least ten of your friends are currently addicted and using without even knowing. Yes, Santa Crack is the most widely used drug in the United States today.

You think I'm shitting you? Sure, laugh it off, but when you go to Starbucks or Coffee Bean in November and December tell me you don't want to order that Winter Wonderland Tea Latte, Pumpkin Spice Seduction or Dark Chocolate Peppermint Mocha whore. LIAR!!!! Whether you do or not you want that holiday drink. Whipped cream? Yes, please!

If you think Santa Crack stops there you are in bigger trouble than I thought. It's everywhere you go. You walk in a department store and suddenly it all becomes clear. You need that 12 piece entertaining set with the fuzzy brown bears playing hide and seek in the ever greens- you aren't ever going to throw a party, but damn will they look good through the glass doors of your armoire. Or that spatula with Santas face on it? Who doesn't want to flip pancakes on a beard as white as snow? I sure as heck do.

Today I used again for the first time since last holiday season. I didn't mean to. I went to CVS to refill a prescription. Just a quick trip. In and out. But when I entered through the automatic sliding doors I felt my impending doom closing in around me. Rows and rows of bows and lights and jolly santa figurines stand between me and the pharmacy. Close your eyes, focus. Eyes on the prize. In that moment I knew what had to be done- so I lowered my head, let my arms settle into 90 degree angles at my sides and sprinted like Santa would in the off season (you know when he's a ripped stud) to the back of the store.

My problem? Like Ethan Hawke in Gattaca I didn't save anything for the trip back. By the time I made it back out the sliding doors I had four bags of Santa Crack on my arm, my wallet $150 lighter. Am I proud of myself no, but I don't think you can make it through the holiday season without indulging a little- and if you do there are probably adverse lingering h effects. So, here's to my first Christmas purchase of the season!

Xoxo. Jildo

P.S. Just a note of fore warning... You may want to avoid me the first week of January. The come down from Santa crack is rough. For some reason the damn pharmaceutical industry hasn't come up with Santa patches to ween us off the holiday cheer. Pigs.