I'm not sure if the holidays are becoming scarier than normal or if I am just becoming a pussy. (Mom, I apologize in advance if you read this. I am 100% sure you don't like that word.)
But back to the holidays. I am literally shaking in my boots. Why? People are CRAZY this time of year. CRAZY with a captial C, R, A, Z, Y. Yep, damn straight all the letters are capitalized. It's an epidemic.
So in my day to day life I don't really need to go to any retail stores (And yes, I make an effort to dodge that holiday bullet). My life is pretty much composed of driving to work, driving to school or driving to the gym. I usually try and roll grocery store trips in with the gym, but if the weather is good (which it has been) I skip the gym and run outside. Do you know what this means? It means I have to make a special trip to the grocery store. In my case its the Kroger at the Edgewood Shopping District.
Immediately after Halloween is when I noticed the change. Lines and lines of cars in the parking lot. Hmmm thats strange. I thought it was just a weird coincidence... everyone ran out of toilet paper at the exact same second! Wooo! Shake it dry!
Ha. Too graphic?
But, everyone didn't run out of toilet paper at the same time. No... They started taking CRAZY pills at the same time! True story. Nov. 1 I walk into the grocery store to stock up on the essentials (sweet potato patties, watermelon, more watermelon (I channel my inner black person on a daily basis), pineapple, bananas, blackberries, apples, corn tortillas, shredded mexican cheese and fruit on the bottom yogurt). WOOOOOO!
What do I see when I look in other people's shopping carts? Normal things?! NOOOOO! Every freaking person was fussing over which naked turkey they were going to take home. For God's sake people it's NOVEMBER 1ST!!!!
And the insanity didn't stop there. No, it just got worse. Unfortunately, since I seem to have a short term memory span I would conveniently forget about this mayhem and madness with each subsequent visit (about every 7-10 days).
Then... dun dun dun...
NOVEMBER 14 I became that person. That person that you and everyone else hates. I stole someones parking spot. Yes, me. Apparently if you are not me, but another driver in the grocery store parking lot the first available space is always yours. Yes, even if you don't put your blinker on to indicate that you are waiting for a space... Doesn't everyone do that?! Isn't that a rule?! Am I supposed to telepathically know that this space is yours even though you turned on to the lane after me and even though I had my blinker on before to indicate I was waiting?
Apparently this means nothing in Atlanta. I learned this, because after parking I was blocked in by the car I "stole" the spot from and yelled at. I vowed at that moment that I would stock up for the entire winter season so I could go into grocery store hibernation.
One problem. Toilet paper. Yesterday afternoon I ran out of toilet paper and I had already eaten a lot of watermelon. F******!!!!
I took a moment. I did some deep breathing. Yes, I would even say I found my zen. I reassured myself that I could, no WOULD do better. No more "stealing" people's parking spots at the grocery store.
I pulled into the Kroger parking lot. DEEEEEEEPPPPP BREATHSSSSS. I can do this! I pass the first lane and then the second (everyone wants to park close, I'll go to the back of the parking lot). I pull down the last lane. There is an empty spot and no cars around. SCORE!!!! I whip my car into the spot. But, I should know better. Luck NEH-EVER finds me. As I pull the keys out of the ignition and open the door, I see it. ANOTHER F****ING car is parked behind me!
Ok, really?! REALLY? I swear Kroger is full of driving Ninja's that are just trying to give me a heart attack.
And no, I am not ashamed to admit that I ran alllll the way into the store.
xoxo. Jildo
P.S. If you want to say prayers that I don't run out of anymore shit before Jan. 2 that would be great.
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