If Grocery Stores Could Kill: Kroger

I'm not sure if the holidays are becoming scarier than normal or if I am just becoming a pussy. (Mom, I apologize in advance if you read this. I am 100% sure you don't like that word.)

But back to the holidays. I am literally shaking in my boots. Why? People are CRAZY this time of year. CRAZY with a captial C, R, A, Z, Y. Yep, damn straight all the letters are capitalized. It's an epidemic.

So in my day to day life I don't really need to go to any retail stores (And yes, I make an effort to dodge that holiday bullet). My life is pretty much composed of driving to work, driving to school or driving to the gym. I usually try and roll grocery store trips in with the gym, but if the weather is good (which it has been) I skip the gym and run outside. Do you know what this means? It means I have to make a special trip to the grocery store. In my case its the Kroger at the Edgewood Shopping District.

Immediately after Halloween is when I noticed the change. Lines and lines of cars in the parking lot. Hmmm thats strange. I thought it was just a weird coincidence... everyone ran out of toilet paper at the exact same second! Wooo! Shake it dry!

Ha. Too graphic?

But, everyone didn't run out of toilet paper at the same time. No... They started taking CRAZY pills at the same time! True story. Nov. 1 I walk into the grocery store to stock up on the essentials (sweet potato patties, watermelon, more watermelon (I channel my inner black person on a daily basis), pineapple, bananas, blackberries, apples, corn tortillas, shredded mexican cheese and fruit on the bottom yogurt). WOOOOOO!

What do I see when I look in other people's shopping carts? Normal things?! NOOOOO! Every freaking person was fussing over which naked turkey they were going to take home. For God's sake people it's NOVEMBER 1ST!!!!

And the insanity didn't stop there. No, it just got worse. Unfortunately, since I seem to have a short term memory span I would conveniently forget about this mayhem and madness with each subsequent visit (about every 7-10 days).

Then... dun dun dun...

NOVEMBER 14 I became that person. That person that you and everyone else hates. I stole someones parking spot. Yes, me. Apparently if you are not me, but another driver in the grocery store parking lot the first available space is always yours. Yes, even if you don't put your blinker on to indicate that you are waiting for a space... Doesn't everyone do that?! Isn't that a rule?! Am I supposed to telepathically know that this space is yours even though you turned on to the lane after me and even though I had my blinker on before to indicate I was waiting?

Apparently this means nothing in Atlanta. I learned this, because after parking I was blocked in by the car I "stole" the spot from and yelled at. I vowed at that moment that I would stock up for the entire winter season so I could go into grocery store hibernation.

One problem. Toilet paper. Yesterday afternoon I ran out of toilet paper and I had already eaten a lot of watermelon. F******!!!!

I took a moment. I did some deep breathing. Yes, I would even say I found my zen. I reassured myself that I could, no WOULD do better. No more "stealing" people's parking spots at the grocery store.

I pulled into the Kroger parking lot. DEEEEEEEPPPPP BREATHSSSSS. I can do this! I pass the first lane and then the second (everyone wants to park close, I'll go to the back of the parking lot). I pull down the last lane. There is an empty spot and no cars around. SCORE!!!! I whip my car into the spot. But, I should know better. Luck NEH-EVER finds me. As I pull the keys out of the ignition and open the door, I see it. ANOTHER F****ING car is parked behind me!

Ok, really?! REALLY? I swear Kroger is full of driving Ninja's that are just trying to give me a heart attack.

And no, I am not ashamed to admit that I ran alllll the way into the store.

xoxo. Jildo

P.S. If you want to say prayers that I don't run out of anymore shit before Jan. 2 that would be great.

When the Shit Storm Won't Stop

So this week it happened again. The shit. And what do you do when life gives you shit? Make "shitade?" I don't think so.

I drive a 2005 Jeep Wrangler. I LOVE my car. If I could date my car, I would. Just kidding... kind of. But, seriously just kidding...

Monday I could tell something was wrong with my car, it didn't feel right when I was driving. You know what I'm talking about... when you drive the same car for 7 years you can tell when something is off. Only problem was I didn't know what was off. I figured it out pretty quickly Tuesday morning.

FAST FORWARD.

Tuesday morning 7am.

Me: "DAD!!!! Pick up your phone!!!! It's 7am I know you are awake!!!!

GAHHHHH. No answer. I try 4 more times then call my mom, who picks up immediately.

(Yes, she scores parent points. OBV.- especially since she's on central time and it's earlier)

Me: "Mom something is wrong with my car. I'm in 6th and its running like it's in 3rd!!!!"

5 minutes later my car is barely coasting to a stop on the side of the highway in the middle of nowhere. Ok the middle of between my apartment and work. BFE. FUCK MY LIFE!!!! (Oh, I forgot no cursing....). F MY LIFE!!!!!

2 hours later the tow truck finally came. 5 hours later the mechanic finally called. YUP. It's your clutch. We have to order a new one from Ohio... it will be here Friday. We'll have your car back to you in 6 days. Oh, and it's only $990.49. No worries!

COUGH! Yes, the shit storm will not stop. Thank you Car Gods.

Naturally as soon as I got to school that night I went to the bar before class to get a beer to take the edge off. Then during break went down to have a red headed slut. It was a rough day Tuesday. Then my seat mate in accounting judged me for taking a shot to wake up and my professor called me out in front of the class and called me a liar.

HA. Oh awesomeness is just abounding this week. Just abounding.

xoxo. Jildo or SALSA (as now everyone is becoming to know me. GAH.)