It's not what you think. I'm not running my ass off in a good way-- I'm running my ass off in the way that if I keep doing what I'm doing I literally WILL NOT have an ass in a month.
PAUSE.
I'm still not sure you understand. You see its not a matter of calories consumed vs. calories burned. It's a matter of fucking chafing. When I used to run in California this NUH-HEVERRRRR happened. And I mean never. I'd run my half marathons, pass those vaseline stations and be like "Huh?"
Yea. Definitely not the case anymore. I didn't realize it was a problem until marathon training began and started ramping up the mileage again... and then it happened. Four weeks ago I went out for a 10 mile run with the Atlanta Marathon Club- aside from the obvious sucky parts (hot, hilly, humid- it was 107 fucking degrees that day) I thought the run went just fine. Then I went home and got in the shower. OH MY GODDDDDDDDDD!!!
If you have chafed any part of your body before and then let water run over your skin you know what I am talking about. Excruciating pain. And, yes, I really do mean excruciating (it might even rival waxing). FUCKKKKKKKKKK!
It was bad.
Of course that didn't stop me from running, because we have a training plan. Duh. Besides it has never happened to me before so I thought maybe it was a fluke. Until the 8 mile run when it happened again and the 6 miler and the next 10 miler. What the hell?!
Ok. I am not an idiot. I know you can use bodyglide or vaseline, but I couldn't quite wrap my head around it. You want me to put vaseline where?! Runners typically chafe their nipples (guys) or their underarms... I am chafing my ASS!! Yes, literally my ass. Not my thighs, my ASS. Cheeks if you will. I know someone else out there knows what I'm talking about.
Ok. Or not. I am pretty fucking weird.
So today I really started contemplating my options. Why now? Well today I took chafing to a whole new level. It was a 12 mile run, not too hot, but humid as hell (thanks Atlanta I wouldn't expect any less) and I was sweating ha- lot. Let me paint you a picture.
Pre run, black running crapris. Six miles in, white running capris. Yes, I was sweating so much my black running pants turned white from all the salt. Super attractive I know.
Long story short not only did I chafe my ass, but today I two-footedly managed to chafe my lower and mid back as well. It's not a pretty picture, I can promise you that. I basically look like I've been whipped.
Therefore, I have come to the following conclusion: I need a lifetime supply of vaseline. Which should totally fit into the budget since it costs like $2. Now I just need to find someone to apply it...
:D. I meant that in a totally non creepy, but totally joking way. Kinda. I can see now that this is one con to being single... I have no one to coerce into applying vaseline petroleum jelly to my ass and back at 6am before I go running.
DAMNIT. Guess I better work on my flexibility.
Adios. Jildo
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