Jill vs. the Fire Hydrant

There comes a time in every poor person's life when they are trying to decide if they should decline the medical coverage provided through their employer. After all, the cheapest option still means that a whopping $62 dollars will be deducted from every single paycheck. That's almost $125 a month that you--I-- I am paying every month. For what? I mean how often do we have to go to the doctor?!

Friday night when I picked up my benefits package my mind was made up. Monday morning I was marching right into HR and declining all benefits. That was before the fire hydrant incident. DUN DUN DUN. Yes, you heard me right- I can now say that I have had a run in with a fire hydrant. And, yes, the fire hydrant won.

Who knows how these things happen. I didn't wake up Saturday morning and say to myself "Looks like a great day to fall head first into a fire hydrant." Really surprising, I know! Lol. But, that is exactly what happened.

It was 8:50pm on Saturday night. My friends and I had been hanging out at the Inman Park festival for the last few hours- drinking beer, listening to music, walking around, laughing- when we decided to call it a night (most of us had to work at 6:30am on Sunday). So, we all piled into Jenn's car and Desarae dropped me off as close to my apartment as she could- without bull dozing through the road blocks set up by the festival. I got out of the car and started the walk home- about two blocks.

But I didn't make it two blocks. I made it about one, tripped on a piece of sidewalk that was sticking up, flailed my arms, my feet flew up, flip flops went flying off and down I went, head first into an unsuspecting fire hydrant. CRUNCH. AHAHHHHHHHHH. FUCKKKKKKKKKK.  GAHHHHHH.

I held my hand to my ear. That fucking hurt really bad! I tried to pull myself up quickly- my first thought being that I didn't want a cop to see me, think I was way to intoxicated for diving head first into a fire hydrant and haul my ass of to jail. So, I sat up, found my flip flops and started to walk home like nothing had happened (which I'm actually fairly good at since I've been clumsy most of my life and I'm used to pretending that I didn't just make a complete fool of myself).

It went well for about 2 seconds. That was when I started to feel a warm sensation on my chest. This is what I saw when I looked down:

I really wanted to freak out, but what good would that do when I had no idea what the heck was going on. Right? Right. My plan? Just get home. Get home clean the blood off and figure out where the heck I was bleeding.

I didn't make it home. A group of people around my age saw me, blood dripping all over the place, and asked if it was real. They then asked if I had AIDS. Nice, lol. Way to be safe! I answered yes and no, and they started to clean me up, while holding up their fingers and asking me to tell them how many I saw. Three, duh! (who knows if three was right).

Shortly after they found me some firemen came over, checked my heart rate, asked where it hurt-- My ear!!! And then asked how it happened. "Er, I fell into a fire hydrant. Am I ok? Do I need stitches?"

No. You're fine, go to bed.

FAST FORWARD 2 HOURS.

Text to Jenn: It's still bleeding.

Jenn to Me: Do you want us to come over.

Text to Jenn: No, its probably ok.

Jenn to Me: We're coming over.

Text to Jenn: Ok. Thanks.

20 minutes later Jenn and Desarae were at my door with a first aid kit, a bottle of peroxide and a wash cloth.

Desarae asked me if I could clean my ear off. I pulled the blood matted hair away from my head and tried to dab the blood off my skin. I couldn't stand the pain, so I asked if she could do it.

Des: Uh, sure. Let me take a look at it.

(Peers behind my ear)

Des: Oh, man. Uh, Jenn come take a look at this.

(Jenn looks behind my ear)

Des: Hey, why don't you get dressed, we'll take you to the hospital.

Me: Do you think I need to go?

Des: Yea, I mean, just to make sure.

15 minutes later they drop me off at the ER. "Call me when you're done." Ok, I say and walk into the hospital.

It's weird walking into the ER at 11:30 at night, because you know everyone there must be FUCKED UP! I walk to the front window. The nurse points to a solitary computer against the wall and asks me to sign in.

I sit down. Name, it asks me: Jillian. Birth date: 9/11/85. Reason for visit:

Reason for visit. It just stares at me. Taunting me. Is there a good way to write "I fell into a fire hydrant and now I'm bleeding a lot" without looking like a dumbass? I decide there isn't.

Reason for visit: I fell into a fire hydrant and now I'm bleeding a lot.

They call me back pretty quickly after that. Check my vitals. Apparently I have a fever, who knows why- I mean aside from the blood gushing out of my head I feel perfectly fine! So they order a chest xray- FML- xrays are soooo fing expensive. FINE. You want to xray my chest, be my guest.

Then they ask me to pee in a cup. I can't get the lid off. Am I supposed to be able to get the lid off?! I peek my head out the door and sheepishly ask the elderly, frail nurse for help. She pops the lid off with one twist. I smile weakly and take the cup back. Jeez what's wrong with me?

After about another hour of waiting they finally take me to my own room with a bed. The doctor comes in, tells me he doesn't really want to be there, that I need stitches and do I want him to do it? I say sure why not? He then proceeds to tell me it was his ten year college reunion that night and it was a bummer, because he couldn't drink. I gave him a two thumbs up and said "THANK YOU!!!"

Then in came the nurse with the Percocet. Yum. I pop those puppies and everything starts to be really awesome, in a completely mellow way.

Doctor: I'm going to stick four huge needles behind your ear.

Me: Cool.

Doctor: The lidocaine will numb you so you won't feel anything.

Me: Cool.

Doctor: Then i'll stitch you up.

Me:...

Well, you get the picture.

And that was that. Half way through the doctor said: "damn this looks really good for not being done by a plastic surgeon, whoops I spoke to soon..."

But, hey, I can't see it so I'm all good. I just hope my ear lays back down, because right now I look like I have one Dopey ear.

Today was Monday. I took my insurance forms to HR. I accepted, because apparently when you are me, everyday objects like fire hydrants are a possible threat.

Over and Out, Jildo.