I used to be sooo young and resilient. When I was younger my family would go camping. My dad would bring the one inch sleeping pads and say we'd have to make due with that. I couldn't complain, I felt like I was sleeping on air! I even smiled ear to ear in my sleep :D. But these days, well, Danny Glover got it right. I'm getting too old for this shit!
So, after two days sleeping on the floor at the new apartment I was not my happy self. Robin, my step mom, reminded me that I could borrow their air mattress until I could afford to get a new mattress. I thanked her and took the air mattress. But I couldn't get my old bed out of my mind.
I LOVED my old bed. A dog may be mans best friend, but a bed is a girls best friend. Or at least mine... does that mean I'm lazy? Eh. Anyways, like I was saying my last bed was HA-MAZING. Queen size, 12 inch memory foam with a 2 inch pillow top. DREAMS!!! Yes... "DREAMS". You could sit on that thing and fall asleep and wake up and look like you'd drank 8 cups of water, exfoliated, run 10 miles and won a nobel prize. Obviously, I was a teeensy bit worried about replacing it (its been discontinued!!!!)
Now, I realize this may seem silly to you. But, I am all about time management (time is money right?). Therefore, when I can I shop online. I don't have to waste money on gas or pull out my back trying to load and unload a 100+ pound mattress in and out of my jeep. Comprende? Yea. For reals. So, there's no going to the mattress store and taking 9 million naps on all the sample beds. And come'on people-- don't you know how many people do that?! Uh... gross!!!
So, I did the only thing I could think of. I would just have to buy a bigger, better bed. A "triple B" if you will. Now, I'm no idiot (well- not when it comes to beds. Skunk outfits, yes. Beds, no. I don't fuck around with my sleep.) I spent about 5 hours perusing beds on Overstock.com. This is where I bought my last bed, so I figured why mess with success. After five hours I found the PERFECT, nay the MOST PERFECTTEST (i make up words) bed in all the land.
14" of pure 150lb sleep inducing memory foam magic. King size. Pillow top, PUH-LEASEEEEE. I stared at my cart. Should I do it? One whole paycheck devoted to keeping Jildo from turning into... hmmm... what would you call it? Dane Cook would call it the "dragon". We'll just go with a not so nice version of Jildo. So, really I spent one whole pay check for you. I'm keeping the inner bitch from you. You can thank me later.
Purchase! Click! They tell me my mattress will ship in 4-10 business days. It's a Friday (friday, friday, getting down on friday-- just for you Jes). I tick off on my fingers how long I'm going to have to wait. After all, I have to mentally prepare to fight the war that is me vs. the floor. By the next day it has already shipped-- this battle is obviously in my favor. Wednesday the mattress arrives. Well. The UPS man arrives at my door first.
Now I want you to picture this. I ordered a King size memory foam mattress. If you know HE-NETHING about memory foam you know it weighs about a ga-jillian pounds. The UPS man that arrived at my door was probably about 5'5", 160 pounds. Yeh. I'm such a jerk. I answered the door.
Ten seconds pass as the UPS man and I stare at each other. Eventually he manages to say "You're here?"
At this point I'm not really sure why he's out of breath. He does not have my mattress with him. But those are the facts, and I tell it like it is.
Me: Si, senor!
I smile. :D. Lots of teeth to encourage him. :D. I don't think it helps.
He sighs and heads back down the two flights of stairs (GOD, YES, I AM A JERK) to grab my 150+lb mattress. I thought about offering to help him, but it was cold, plus, I paid for delivery. I mean, right? (Again, like I said. I'm a jerk).
About 15 minutes later he resurfaces with what looks like a body bag for Sasquatch. I mean it was huge... even I was shocked. Of course I made him bring it all the way into the apartment and back into my bedroom. Lots of smiles! :D And then thank him for bringing it up. HE HATES ME. :D Thanks!
HATES ME.
In conclusion, I'm pretty sure my spending has now reached epic proportions. Not only did I kill my pocket book (ONE WHOLE PAYCHECK!!! JESUS WOMAN!!!), but I nearly killed the UPS man. Would that be manslaughter? Manslaughter by mattress? I'm pretty sure Overstock would be liable and not me. I mean right?
But still, yes, deadly spending.
xoxo, Jildo
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