Friends with Benefits

I just made half of my monthly income in 6.5 hours. It's not what you are thinking. Ok, maybe it is.

Since I have put myself on a strict budget (less my Vegas escapades), I have been on the no fun bus. Let me reassure you the no fun bus, is NO fun. In trying to keep with the stay too busy to spend mentality, I went for a hike with one of my friends last week. He must have mentioned going out or happy hour, because immediately I caught myself apologizing for being extremely broke and no fun. He said no worries and that I was doing the right thing by saving money.

Later that night I got a text from him:
"Want to make $800- $1000 for about 5-6 hours worth of work?"

WAIT. What?! I'm not going to lie I probably stared at my phone for like 5 minutes. Was this a joke?

No, I don't want to make a shit load of money in a day. That would really suck. What I really want is to get paid slave labor wages and work in a button factory. Can you make that happen? Because then we TOTALLY have a deal.

Pause. WRONG.

I wrote back:

"Hells, to the yes. Sign me up, I don't care what I have to do."

The following response was probably even more shocking than the initial offer:

"Awesome, you'll just be helping me install and update computer software for some of my clients."

Huh? Come again? Did you mean to text me? This is Jillian. Yah, I studied Comm and Professional Writing in college... we didn't do the whole computer thing.

He assures me this is fine, that its super easy and mostly just tedious-- he'll even write me up directions.

I am still somewhat skeptical that I might single-handedly take out an entire office building with my lack of computer savvy, but I say ok. I mean, I had to. So, I cleared my schedule for this Sunday and at 7:30am I got up, drove to the office building downtown and started uninstalling software, installing new software, checking for updates, downloading, installing, restarting. Over and over and over again. And, then I did it all again.

When we finally start wrapping things up, he writes me a check and puts it next to my bag. I try to play it cool, don't get excited Jillian, be a mature adult. Thank him.

Actual: "Thank you"
Thinking: HOLY FREAKING SHIIIIIITTTTTTT.


Then the unthinkable happened. He thanked me. Me! I am honestly still floored by this whole thing.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

Over and Out, Jildo.

An Apology and A Confession

The apology:
When I started my blog the sole purpose was to scare myself into being more financially responsible. However, after the first few blog posts I felt a surge of adrenaline. People thought I was funny. Me, Jillian, the girl who hardly ever spoke in high school, because I was afraid I would say something stupid. And, lets be honest, I would have because that's just who I am. I felt amazing and then immediately sick. I wanted to feel the way you made me feel when you said I was hilarious, all the time... But that's just impossible. Mostly because I'm not funny all the time, probably only 20% of the time. Nevertheless, because I am an over achiever I wanted to try to be funnier more frequently.

If you have ever tried this then you already know it is a recipe for disaster. You cannot force funny. Bathroom humor and one day a guy walked into a bar jokes are proof of that. But, when I force funny I am embarrassed and ashamed to say it is far worse. I am mean funny- god I suck lol. I'm saying all of this, because after much thought and guilt I realized I needed to apologize to you for my insensitivity in my post last week.

I should not have dissed the 12 steps. Alcoholism is very scary and I cannot imagine the toll it takes on everyone involved. If those 12 steps work for some people more power to them. So I hope you can forgive me for my thoughtless jabs-- I am sorry.

Note: While I did feel it necessary to apologize for my cracks on the 12 steps, I hold firm on my yoga beliefs-- and that will never change.

The Confession:
Getting back to the business of the budget, I am sure you are all now acutely aware that I spent the weekend in Vegas, the antitheses of saving money. My confession? I went to Vegas and got a SUI- yup, ladies and gents I was spending under the influence. Fortunately for me I don't gamble and I got a huge tip on my paycheck Friday that paid for my incidentals... So despite a weekend romp in Vegas I still managed to break even. Whew.

Thanks for your continued support.
Xoxo Jildo.

Let Me See You 1-2 Step

One month and eight days. So fucking long. One month and eight days is how long I have been entrenched in this monetary rehabilitation. It’s like jail. Correction, it IS jail. If we were playing Monopoly I would be in FUCKING jail. No passing Go for Jildo, no collecting $200— can you say pipe dream? Sayonara $200. 

To help this process along, I decided I would enlist the help of one of the most successful rehabilitation techniques around-- the 12 steps of alcoholic anonymous. Initially I liked the idea. Alcoholics want to stop drinking; I want to stop spending. Then I read what the 12 steps were.  In case you are like me and don’t know what the 12 steps are, please let me fill you in:

• Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
• Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
• Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
• Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
• Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
• Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
• Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings
• Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
• Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
• Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
• Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out
• Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

Ok, first off let me just say, I believe in God and I believe that he died for our sins. But, and maybe this is my problem, I think a lot of the time God just wants us to stop being lazy SOB’s, to get off our asses and to use the talents and smarts he gave us to fix our own problems.  I mean really-- he has freaking disasters to clean up and serial killers to kick the living shit out of.

So, will I try out the 12 steps to keep the spending in check? I will leave that up to you. Personally, I feel like in the game of life the 12 step method is like yoga, a worthless exercise constructed to make you feel better about yourself.  But, if you want me to do the 12 steps, I will (as long as I don’t have to go barefoot or practice deep breathing).

Too Busy to Blog, Too Busy to Spend

I have discovered the secret to being wealthy-- just be super freaking busy. No, seriously.  I have found out that if you really don't want to spend money, all you have to do, is not have time to spend money. Genius? (yes, you can make fun of me here).

Tomorrow is my third Friday in a row. Do you know what that means? No, the correct answer is not that I am uber grumpy or a wraging bitch (I don't wrage). The correct answer is that I have had absolutely no time to spend money. Pause for reflection. If being at work keeps me from spending money, what other activities could keep me from spending money, too?

After much thought, I decided to add to the chaos. Over the past week I have successfully amplified my hiking by approximately 50% (maybe not the most creative activity, but I like it :D.). And (dun dun dun), I am now happy to report that I have no time to do anything but gym, eat, wo(eat)rk, hike, eat, sleep, repeat. I haven't even had time to blog... BLASPHEMY.

I know, I know I sound crazy. I do not have a social life. My friend Jes, invited me to a wine festival this weekend and I had to decline, because it's $70-- and that is just not in my budget. Every Monday El Paseo has $1.95 margaritas and I have to pass. Hi, my name is Jillian Heim, and I cannot afford a $2 margarita. But, hey, that's ok. There are more important things in life than partying-- like making sure I have enough money to go anywhere or do anything for the people I love. That's what its all about.

Over and out. Jildo.

P.S. Suggestions for FREE time consuming activities are welcomed!

Chinese Proverb Comes True

Well, let me just be the first to say that I am usually not a superstitious person or a "Fwd: Fwd: Fwd:" whore. I actually hate those people (not you mom-- you get a free pass). However, thanks to the post below, I am now a "Fwd: Fwd: Fwd:", chain letter sending, you'll have bad luck for seven years, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah H.H. (hypocritical ho). 

Aforementioned Post:
"This year July has 5 Fridays 5 Saturdays & 5 Sundays. This happens once every 823 years. This is called money bags. Copy this to your status and money will arrive in 4 days. Based on Chinese philosophy. Those who read and do not copy will be without money."

It was an average Saturday. I got up, went to the gym, had breakfast and then logged onto facebook. I look at the right hand side of the screen. "People you may know". For once I actually know one of the people-- it's one of my high school teachers. Friend request! After requesting the friendship, naturally I look at her page to stalk her... only to find myself staring at the Chinese proverb above. FUCK. 


This cannot be good. I shake my head back and forth. These things are silly-- I definitely don't believe them. Nope. Do not believe. I scrunch up my face really small and close my eyes to make it go away. PEEK-A-BOO. I let one eye open enough to see the screen. DAMNIT. Still there. Oh fuck. Yup, I gotta do it. I have to post it to my wall, because I am that silly. 


COPY. PASTE. POST. gah. I am not at all happy with myself, I am one of THOSE people. 


4 days pass...


Can I say this? Did it actually work? Did I get money BECAUSE i posted the proverb? If I say no will I make the Chinese proverb gods mad? And will they throw dirty yen in my face and call me a loser? I do not know. But, I do know that I was refunded $80.59 for a half marathon that I signed up for, because by some miracle the race was rerouted to go through the property I work at. Comp entries for all employees! Coincidence? Mrrr. hard to say.

You Know You Are Broke When...

1. Ross is too expensive
2. You have daily alerts on your phone reminding you that you are broke and can't spend money
3. You order less when you go out to eat and you are not on a diet
4. You are excited to work on a holiday, because you will get regular pay AND holiday pay
5. You ride semi trucks asses to save gas
6. You start brewing your own coffee
7. You wear pants in the summer because shaving cream and razors are expensive
8. You offer to be the DD when your friends go out to guarantee you won't spend money on drinks
9. The only time you get to booze is when you have a wedding to go to
10. You make a mental note to use coupons for products you need and then actually DO