No, I did not barf up a lung at the airport. I wish I had. This "Salsa" was wayyyyyyy worse.
While "pulling a salsa" or "salsaing it up" normally refers to consuming too much alcohol and making an idiot of yourself in the worst possible way (i.e. at a charity golf tournament to raise funds for breast cancer or at your MBA school's pub crawl), it can also be used to refer to just being a huge dumbass.
Let's say for example, you had a trip planned to... Vegas (yup that works, everyone loves Vegas). But, this wasn't your typical run of the mill lets go to Vegas and wake up with glitter all over our faces and whatever else Katy Perry sings about. No, this Vegas trip you were meeting a friend from... jeez whats the furthest you can get from east coast? Ok, sure California. Again, you were not going for the sole purpose of getting shabammered--there was also a race. Hell the Las Vegas Rock'N'Roll Half Marathon is today... lets just say it was that race.
The plan was to fly out Friday night after work, stay for the weekend, run your 13.1 miles and fly back. Easy peazy, right? Not if you have the salsa gene. No, things are never easy with the salsa gene. But, you know this. You know you are prone to F things up. So you take precautions. You finish packing 4 days before you have to leave. FOUR! WOOOOO! Totally gonna rock this traveling thing!
You check into your flight 24 hours in advance. BAM! Piece of cake! You leave work 1.5 hours early to give yourself PLENTY of time to get to the airport. (FACT or FICTION: You may or may not have brushed your shoulders off... you feel like a traveling P-I-M-P. Yup, you are so cool. FACT.) Who wants to get charged ATM fees in Vegas? No one. You stop at a Wells Fargo ATM. Swoop! Check that off the list! Damn you really are on a roll.
But then things start to go wrong. You get back into your car after taking cash out and set your wallet on top of your purse. You turn your car back on and resume driving, but this trip you aren't sticking with the routine. There will be no park and ride this time. Why? The mustache you are dating offered to take you. How could you turn down the mustache? That's right, you couldn't.
You get to the mustache's house, transfer luggage from your car to his and get on the road. He asks you if you have everything. PSHAW. Obviously! He drops you off at the super secret lower level check in at the airport, you're gonna get checked in SO FAST you don't even know. You walk inside the automatic sliding doors, pull your boarding pass out of your back pocket and check the departures screen to see where the heck you are going. A24. Got it! You fish through your purse to get your ID out and ready.
I repeat: You fish through your purse to get your ID out and ready.
PAUSE.
FISH. PURSE. ID. READY.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!
You pick up your phone. "Mustache!!!!! I don't have my wallet!"
No, my wallet wasn't in his car. It was in my car. Parked at his house 30 minutes away. My plane was boarding in 30 minutes. FML. I walk to the Delta gate agent. I explain the situation: I am an idiot. I forgot my wallet. He checks to see if I can get on the next flight in 3 hours. Oversold. I call Delta to see about getting on the first flight out the next day. $630 (yes, that is with the credit from the flight I will be missing).
PAUSE.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.
Face palm face palm face palm. Deep breaths.
I pick up my phone. "Boobs? Are you at the airport yet? I pulled a salsa."
*****
I didn't make it to Vegas. My friend had to take the bus back to Santa Barbara and now I have no hope of ever being salsa caliente... unless I donate an organ, or something of comparable value.
But, really the worst part was my "Salsaness" ruined the weekend not just for me, but for Boobs. The crazy part of it all? Well CRAZIEST. Boobs told me she was only going to hate me for a week and that she still loves me.
I'm not sure how I'll ever convince her to travel with me again.
Over and out. Jildo
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
If Grocery Stores Could Kill: Kroger
I'm not sure if the holidays are becoming scarier than normal or if I am just becoming a pussy. (Mom, I apologize in advance if you read this. I am 100% sure you don't like that word.)
But back to the holidays. I am literally shaking in my boots. Why? People are CRAZY this time of year. CRAZY with a captial C, R, A, Z, Y. Yep, damn straight all the letters are capitalized. It's an epidemic.
So in my day to day life I don't really need to go to any retail stores (And yes, I make an effort to dodge that holiday bullet). My life is pretty much composed of driving to work, driving to school or driving to the gym. I usually try and roll grocery store trips in with the gym, but if the weather is good (which it has been) I skip the gym and run outside. Do you know what this means? It means I have to make a special trip to the grocery store. In my case its the Kroger at the Edgewood Shopping District.
Immediately after Halloween is when I noticed the change. Lines and lines of cars in the parking lot. Hmmm thats strange. I thought it was just a weird coincidence... everyone ran out of toilet paper at the exact same second! Wooo! Shake it dry!
Ha. Too graphic?
But, everyone didn't run out of toilet paper at the same time. No... They started taking CRAZY pills at the same time! True story. Nov. 1 I walk into the grocery store to stock up on the essentials (sweet potato patties, watermelon, more watermelon (I channel my inner black person on a daily basis), pineapple, bananas, blackberries, apples, corn tortillas, shredded mexican cheese and fruit on the bottom yogurt). WOOOOOO!
What do I see when I look in other people's shopping carts? Normal things?! NOOOOO! Every freaking person was fussing over which naked turkey they were going to take home. For God's sake people it's NOVEMBER 1ST!!!!
And the insanity didn't stop there. No, it just got worse. Unfortunately, since I seem to have a short term memory span I would conveniently forget about this mayhem and madness with each subsequent visit (about every 7-10 days).
Then... dun dun dun...
NOVEMBER 14 I became that person. That person that you and everyone else hates. I stole someones parking spot. Yes, me. Apparently if you are not me, but another driver in the grocery store parking lot the first available space is always yours. Yes, even if you don't put your blinker on to indicate that you are waiting for a space... Doesn't everyone do that?! Isn't that a rule?! Am I supposed to telepathically know that this space is yours even though you turned on to the lane after me and even though I had my blinker on before to indicate I was waiting?
Apparently this means nothing in Atlanta. I learned this, because after parking I was blocked in by the car I "stole" the spot from and yelled at. I vowed at that moment that I would stock up for the entire winter season so I could go into grocery store hibernation.
One problem. Toilet paper. Yesterday afternoon I ran out of toilet paper and I had already eaten a lot of watermelon. F******!!!!
I took a moment. I did some deep breathing. Yes, I would even say I found my zen. I reassured myself that I could, no WOULD do better. No more "stealing" people's parking spots at the grocery store.
I pulled into the Kroger parking lot. DEEEEEEEPPPPP BREATHSSSSS. I can do this! I pass the first lane and then the second (everyone wants to park close, I'll go to the back of the parking lot). I pull down the last lane. There is an empty spot and no cars around. SCORE!!!! I whip my car into the spot. But, I should know better. Luck NEH-EVER finds me. As I pull the keys out of the ignition and open the door, I see it. ANOTHER F****ING car is parked behind me!
Ok, really?! REALLY? I swear Kroger is full of driving Ninja's that are just trying to give me a heart attack.
And no, I am not ashamed to admit that I ran alllll the way into the store.
xoxo. Jildo
P.S. If you want to say prayers that I don't run out of anymore shit before Jan. 2 that would be great.
But back to the holidays. I am literally shaking in my boots. Why? People are CRAZY this time of year. CRAZY with a captial C, R, A, Z, Y. Yep, damn straight all the letters are capitalized. It's an epidemic.
So in my day to day life I don't really need to go to any retail stores (And yes, I make an effort to dodge that holiday bullet). My life is pretty much composed of driving to work, driving to school or driving to the gym. I usually try and roll grocery store trips in with the gym, but if the weather is good (which it has been) I skip the gym and run outside. Do you know what this means? It means I have to make a special trip to the grocery store. In my case its the Kroger at the Edgewood Shopping District.
Immediately after Halloween is when I noticed the change. Lines and lines of cars in the parking lot. Hmmm thats strange. I thought it was just a weird coincidence... everyone ran out of toilet paper at the exact same second! Wooo! Shake it dry!
Ha. Too graphic?
But, everyone didn't run out of toilet paper at the same time. No... They started taking CRAZY pills at the same time! True story. Nov. 1 I walk into the grocery store to stock up on the essentials (sweet potato patties, watermelon, more watermelon (I channel my inner black person on a daily basis), pineapple, bananas, blackberries, apples, corn tortillas, shredded mexican cheese and fruit on the bottom yogurt). WOOOOOO!
What do I see when I look in other people's shopping carts? Normal things?! NOOOOO! Every freaking person was fussing over which naked turkey they were going to take home. For God's sake people it's NOVEMBER 1ST!!!!
And the insanity didn't stop there. No, it just got worse. Unfortunately, since I seem to have a short term memory span I would conveniently forget about this mayhem and madness with each subsequent visit (about every 7-10 days).
Then... dun dun dun...
NOVEMBER 14 I became that person. That person that you and everyone else hates. I stole someones parking spot. Yes, me. Apparently if you are not me, but another driver in the grocery store parking lot the first available space is always yours. Yes, even if you don't put your blinker on to indicate that you are waiting for a space... Doesn't everyone do that?! Isn't that a rule?! Am I supposed to telepathically know that this space is yours even though you turned on to the lane after me and even though I had my blinker on before to indicate I was waiting?
Apparently this means nothing in Atlanta. I learned this, because after parking I was blocked in by the car I "stole" the spot from and yelled at. I vowed at that moment that I would stock up for the entire winter season so I could go into grocery store hibernation.
One problem. Toilet paper. Yesterday afternoon I ran out of toilet paper and I had already eaten a lot of watermelon. F******!!!!
I took a moment. I did some deep breathing. Yes, I would even say I found my zen. I reassured myself that I could, no WOULD do better. No more "stealing" people's parking spots at the grocery store.
I pulled into the Kroger parking lot. DEEEEEEEPPPPP BREATHSSSSS. I can do this! I pass the first lane and then the second (everyone wants to park close, I'll go to the back of the parking lot). I pull down the last lane. There is an empty spot and no cars around. SCORE!!!! I whip my car into the spot. But, I should know better. Luck NEH-EVER finds me. As I pull the keys out of the ignition and open the door, I see it. ANOTHER F****ING car is parked behind me!
Ok, really?! REALLY? I swear Kroger is full of driving Ninja's that are just trying to give me a heart attack.
And no, I am not ashamed to admit that I ran alllll the way into the store.
xoxo. Jildo
P.S. If you want to say prayers that I don't run out of anymore shit before Jan. 2 that would be great.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
When the Shit Storm Won't Stop
So this week it happened again. The shit. And what do you do when life gives you shit? Make "shitade?" I don't think so.
I drive a 2005 Jeep Wrangler. I LOVE my car. If I could date my car, I would. Just kidding... kind of. But, seriously just kidding...
Monday I could tell something was wrong with my car, it didn't feel right when I was driving. You know what I'm talking about... when you drive the same car for 7 years you can tell when something is off. Only problem was I didn't know what was off. I figured it out pretty quickly Tuesday morning.
FAST FORWARD.
Tuesday morning 7am.
Me: "DAD!!!! Pick up your phone!!!! It's 7am I know you are awake!!!!
GAHHHHH. No answer. I try 4 more times then call my mom, who picks up immediately.
(Yes, she scores parent points. OBV.- especially since she's on central time and it's earlier)
Me: "Mom something is wrong with my car. I'm in 6th and its running like it's in 3rd!!!!"
5 minutes later my car is barely coasting to a stop on the side of the highway in the middle of nowhere. Ok the middle of between my apartment and work. BFE. FUCK MY LIFE!!!! (Oh, I forgot no cursing....). F MY LIFE!!!!!
2 hours later the tow truck finally came. 5 hours later the mechanic finally called. YUP. It's your clutch. We have to order a new one from Ohio... it will be here Friday. We'll have your car back to you in 6 days. Oh, and it's only $990.49. No worries!
COUGH! Yes, the shit storm will not stop. Thank you Car Gods.
Naturally as soon as I got to school that night I went to the bar before class to get a beer to take the edge off. Then during break went down to have a red headed slut. It was a rough day Tuesday. Then my seat mate in accounting judged me for taking a shot to wake up and my professor called me out in front of the class and called me a liar.
HA. Oh awesomeness is just abounding this week. Just abounding.
xoxo. Jildo or SALSA (as now everyone is becoming to know me. GAH.)
I drive a 2005 Jeep Wrangler. I LOVE my car. If I could date my car, I would. Just kidding... kind of. But, seriously just kidding...
Monday I could tell something was wrong with my car, it didn't feel right when I was driving. You know what I'm talking about... when you drive the same car for 7 years you can tell when something is off. Only problem was I didn't know what was off. I figured it out pretty quickly Tuesday morning.
FAST FORWARD.
Tuesday morning 7am.
Me: "DAD!!!! Pick up your phone!!!! It's 7am I know you are awake!!!!
GAHHHHH. No answer. I try 4 more times then call my mom, who picks up immediately.
(Yes, she scores parent points. OBV.- especially since she's on central time and it's earlier)
Me: "Mom something is wrong with my car. I'm in 6th and its running like it's in 3rd!!!!"
5 minutes later my car is barely coasting to a stop on the side of the highway in the middle of nowhere. Ok the middle of between my apartment and work. BFE. FUCK MY LIFE!!!! (Oh, I forgot no cursing....). F MY LIFE!!!!!
2 hours later the tow truck finally came. 5 hours later the mechanic finally called. YUP. It's your clutch. We have to order a new one from Ohio... it will be here Friday. We'll have your car back to you in 6 days. Oh, and it's only $990.49. No worries!
COUGH! Yes, the shit storm will not stop. Thank you Car Gods.
Naturally as soon as I got to school that night I went to the bar before class to get a beer to take the edge off. Then during break went down to have a red headed slut. It was a rough day Tuesday. Then my seat mate in accounting judged me for taking a shot to wake up and my professor called me out in front of the class and called me a liar.
HA. Oh awesomeness is just abounding this week. Just abounding.
xoxo. Jildo or SALSA (as now everyone is becoming to know me. GAH.)
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Black Bean Salsa
Before I begin my apologies to everyone last night (except the guy I gave the finger- that still stands). Special thanks to Jimmy (for getting my ass a cab), Kroge (for literally getting my ass in the cab), Jaynia and Dani (for not calling me an ambulance, for not hating me, for being really, really awesome friends... the list pretty much goes on and on for you two).
I did it again. I salsa'd. Only this time it wasn't at a charity golf tournament, it was the GaTech MBA pub crawl. I know, worst possible situation EVER.
When I was in high school my best friend and I liked to play "Let's Ruin Our Lives." I'm not even joking, we'd do stupid stuff, knowing the outcome would not be good. We wanted to see how bad we could "F" things up and then recover. We were bored, obviously.
Now here I am 27 and I'm still doing the same thing. Except now I wouldn't say its a conscious decision. Yesterday somehow/somewhere between my first beer and my last beer, I had tooo many. The next thing I know I'm on the floor of the bathroom, donating black bean salsa (which I'm still confused about, because all I ate yesterday was cereal and mac and cheese- yes, I know I'm such a little kid) to the toilet.
FACE PALM. Wait, no... FACE BATHROOM FLOOR. 10 minute rule? GAHHHHHHHHH. So gross.
My friends got me outside at the waitress' request and I immediately snuggled up on the concrete. Ahhhh, bedtime! You might be intoxicated if... concrete is comfortable. Here's your sign! But, obviously by that time recovery is out of the question... as well as water. Stop offering me!
So I know I was the wasted one and really have no right to say anything... but I think we have all been there. Lying on the floor and someone keeps telling us we should move. Ok, fine, I get it. But, when I'm laying on the floor in my own puke and some stranger comes up to me and starts telling me what to do... ahem. Excuse me?! Now I'm gonna get feisty. I definitely shot some guy the bird multiple times.
No. I don't feel bad about that... especially after learning that he called my friends "bad friends" for not calling me an ambulance. An ambulance?! Really? Holy shit (my mom does say shit)... thank goodness they didn't! I'm drunk, I'm not lying in the middle of the road with a severed limb. NOTE TO WORLD: No one is calling me an ambulance but me, because I'm the one that's gonna pay for it!!!!
Sigh. This. This whole situation is probably why my parents threatened to pull me out of undergrad my first semester. Some people just never learn. And, yes, by some people I mean me.
Sorry :/.
xoxo. Jildo
***
Ok, here goes.I did it again. I salsa'd. Only this time it wasn't at a charity golf tournament, it was the GaTech MBA pub crawl. I know, worst possible situation EVER.
When I was in high school my best friend and I liked to play "Let's Ruin Our Lives." I'm not even joking, we'd do stupid stuff, knowing the outcome would not be good. We wanted to see how bad we could "F" things up and then recover. We were bored, obviously.
Now here I am 27 and I'm still doing the same thing. Except now I wouldn't say its a conscious decision. Yesterday somehow/somewhere between my first beer and my last beer, I had tooo many. The next thing I know I'm on the floor of the bathroom, donating black bean salsa (which I'm still confused about, because all I ate yesterday was cereal and mac and cheese- yes, I know I'm such a little kid) to the toilet.
FACE PALM. Wait, no... FACE BATHROOM FLOOR. 10 minute rule? GAHHHHHHHHH. So gross.
My friends got me outside at the waitress' request and I immediately snuggled up on the concrete. Ahhhh, bedtime! You might be intoxicated if... concrete is comfortable. Here's your sign! But, obviously by that time recovery is out of the question... as well as water. Stop offering me!
So I know I was the wasted one and really have no right to say anything... but I think we have all been there. Lying on the floor and someone keeps telling us we should move. Ok, fine, I get it. But, when I'm laying on the floor in my own puke and some stranger comes up to me and starts telling me what to do... ahem. Excuse me?! Now I'm gonna get feisty. I definitely shot some guy the bird multiple times.
No. I don't feel bad about that... especially after learning that he called my friends "bad friends" for not calling me an ambulance. An ambulance?! Really? Holy shit (my mom does say shit)... thank goodness they didn't! I'm drunk, I'm not lying in the middle of the road with a severed limb. NOTE TO WORLD: No one is calling me an ambulance but me, because I'm the one that's gonna pay for it!!!!
Sigh. This. This whole situation is probably why my parents threatened to pull me out of undergrad my first semester. Some people just never learn. And, yes, by some people I mean me.
Sorry :/.
xoxo. Jildo
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